Kiwi in Berlin

I'm just one of the 250 (registered) New Zealanders living in Berlin. Here I try to answer pressing questions such as: What are the Germans like? What happens in Berlin on a day-to-day basis? Why is NZ so far away? What does "playing the offended sausage" mean?

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Hai!

So, we are two New Zealanders living in a faux-Japanese flat in Germany. So, which country am I in again?

Here are some pics:

1. This is the life-sized Japanese samurai warrior in our living room. So far his uses include being a substitute Christmas tree and a coat holder.



2. Here is Richard slipping into one of the two wall-mounted kimonos. So, no swanning round the house in one of these little numbers.



3. The bedroom. Note the lantern-light, kimono, futon, stones round the tatami mat.



Arigato gozaimasu. Anshyo Bango (Thank you. PIN number. I can't remember much more Japanese from year two university than that, but it's inspiring me to go to Japan.)

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Not in Asia

An email from my mother: "I'm pretty sure you're not in Asia at the moment, but can you just confirm..." This may seem a bit silly, but I'm known for my spontaneous trips and will actually be in Singapore in a few weeks' time, so it wasn't totally out of the question. But no, I was still here in Berlin, watching the rising death toll on BBC World. Apparently there are still 400 NZers unaccounted for - SE Asia is a common holiday spot or stopover for Kiwis going to or from the UK.

For the past few days I've been hanging out with an Australian friend here, someone I actually met in Germany but hadn't seen for 3 years, so it has been really good to catch up. Who knows when we'll see each other again, but he's thinking about Buenos Aires as somewhere to live, and I wouldn't mind going back there again.

We're booked on an EasyJet flight for London tomorrow morning, but it looks like we're not going. My boyfriend's pretty sick at the moment and so a big new year and sleeping on someone's living room floor probably isn't the best plan. I don't really mind - I've never been here for New Year (called Silvester in German for some reason - must ask someone why, actually).

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Memorials

I don't know if I've written much about memorials in Berlin, but I was reminded of them yesterday when I joined the procession of people taking their post-Xmas-lunch stroll through Mitte. If you look down at the ground, you'll often spot little gold tiles embedded in the concrete. They're known as Stolpersteine, or literally "stumble stones" and can be found in some of Germany's big cities. On the stone is a name, a date of birth and death (usually 1943), and the word Auschwitz.

The stones are placed outside the buildings where these people lived. They're a great idea, I think - a reminder of the war and its victims that's subtle. Other war memorials in Berlin include the Missing House, which is just around the corner from where I'm typing, where a gap in the buildings has lists of names and occupations on each side. The signs mark exactly where the person lived, in the building which no longer exists, before they were murdered in concentration camps.

There is also a list of concentration camps near Nollendorfplatz, and a list of murdered Jews in Gendarmenmarkt, which has a mirror behind it so you see your own reflection when reading the names. There's a Holocaust memorial being built near the Brandenburg Gate, but is highly controversial and is taking years to finish. And that doesn't include all the Berlin Wall memorials, which now includes the model Wall in the middle of town, and all the crosses to mark each victim.

It is a strange feeling sometimes to live in a city where so many bad things have happened, but you must remember that alongside these memorials are all the exciting things that are happening now, so it's not like Berlin is one big memorial to the past.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

A Quiet Day

It's Christmas Day, but since we decided to do things the German way and open our presents last night it feels more like Boxing Day and lots of places are open for business.

I didn't get so many presents this year because we're far away, but I got plenty of e-cards and text messages from NZ. We also got a big care package from my boyfriend's parents, with Milo, gingernuts, chocolates, Marmite (am all Marmited-out). My boyfriend gave me a cool new phone, a German one which people won't have in NZ, so I've been playing with that.

We also sat down to a big candlelit dinner of ham, salmon, breads, wine, tabouli, mashed potatoes, tomato and mushroom salad. Yum! And chocolate pudding for dessert. For some odd reason we don't have an oven in our new flat (the money obviously all went into the Japanese warrior).

We ended up watching some movies, including Princess Bride, which my boyfriend hadn't even seen. Even after 20 years or so, it's still very funny. "My name is Inego Montoya. You kill my father. Prepare to die." And we watched a few episodes of Arrested Development which is my favourite programme at the moment. Genius.

So all in all, it was a nice night, if a bit lonely. Of course I do have friends in Berlin, but they'd all gone away for Xmas. So it will be good to go to London and spend New Year with friends, and I'm expecting some visitors here in Berlin before we go.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

One sleep till Santa

This will be my last post before Xmas, since I'm in one of those nasty, multi-national Starbucks surfing wireless and they're closed for the next few days. (have tried to find wireless in our flat by waving my laptop around, which works sometimes but not enough :) )

It shall not be a white Xmas here, sadly. In fact, it's predicted to be yet another crappy, rainy day. But it's meant to snow a few days later and I'll be holding weather.yahoo.com to that. It did snow a little bit yesterday, and the temperature was about -10 C at midday. Apparently NZ is having one of the shittiest summers ever so far, but it's still about 20 degrees warmer there so it's all relative.

Our flat will look a little bit festive, at least. We have a few presents under our Japanese Warrior tree and we're heading to the English shop around the corner for a few things like big crackers, puddings and stuff. Xmas is never a particularly big deal for me, so I don't mind where I am for it.

Because it's Germany, we'll be opening presents on Xmas Eve which will seem a bit strange. Apparently Santa is less jolly here and more intimidating - often in a house with little kids, the father or a neightbour will dress up and burst in the door, demanding to know if the kids have been good and glowering down at them sternly as the nod their little heads and quake. I'm not expecting to see Santa this year - we haven't re-registered since moving flats (bad, bad Kiwis!) so he would never know how to find us. And I probably haven't been good enough anyway...

To anyone who's read my blog once, twice, or religiously on a daily basis this year, have a schöne Weihnachten und alles Gute im neuen Jahr.

Shona xx

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

London Called

Two days in London wasn’t much, but we’re going back for New Year anyway, and this trip was just to see Muse. I’d seen Muse earlier this year in NZ at the Big Day Out, and while they were very impressive, seeing a band for 45 minutes wedged in between other big bands outside in the middle of the day just can’t compare with seeing them for almost two hours, at night in Earl’s Court in London, which holds 18,000 and was the biggest indoor venue I’d ever seen.

The concert had sold out within days to pre-sales, and I’d scored tickets only by clicking frantically and hoping it would work at some point, because the site had slowed right down. At first I was disappointed that I could only get seats, because Muse isn’t a band you sit down to. But it turned out our seats were great – near the stage and I could see everything without having to peer around a 7-foot rugbyhead, which is what normally happens.

Anyway, doors opened at 6pm but Muse didn’t show for another three hours. There were two average supporting acts who I didn’t know, and a hard-core mosh-pit had formed at the front as soon as doors opened. They weren’t budging. In fact, security had to start passing them water before Muse even came on stage, because it got so squishy and hot.

I always get excited about concerts, but this one was especially big, partly because Muse is a huge live act, and partly because travelling to a whole other country just to see a band adds to the general hype and build-up.

It more than met my expectations. It’s hard to describe exactly how amazing it was. The noise of the crowd was overwhelming – everyone knew the words, everyone was jumping up and how (including the seated people – as I said, you just can’t sit for Muse). It was like a two-hour musical orgasm. HUGE. Even if you’re not a big Muse fan; if you have any interest in live rock music whatsoever, you have to see them. Frontman Matt Bellamy is incredible. He belts out tunes with the power of 20 voices, whips up a frenzy on his guitar, and streams his fingers up and down the piano. Really, if I were single I would hunt him down and marry him.

So, after two encores and then finding my way outside into the cold with 18,000 other sweaty people, I was totally euphoric. It may sound a bit übertrieben (overdone), but it’s not often in life you see something like that. It’s like when you read an incredible book or see an amazing film – and that only really happens a handful of times. It beat out my previous favourite concerts - Smashing Pumpkins in Wellington in 1996 (front row), and seeing Shihad for the first time aged 16.

If I was a kid seeing a concert like that for the first time, I would race home, buy a drum-kit or guitar, and start working my way to playing in front of an audience that rapturous. Actually there was a kid behind us who was clearly a musician, because his air-guitar and air drums were spot on. He knew all the words and was moving around as though the music had completely possessed him, as though he was on the stage himself playing.

Otherwise the weekend was spent seeing people and having pub lunches. There are some things about London I miss (I lived there until September 10, 2001, meaning yes, that I was in a plane on 9/11, not the safest place to be), but they’re mostly small things, like pies, big sandwiches from Pret a Manger, good tea, Camden Markets. I don’t miss how crowded and hectic it is, people rushing everywhere no matter what day or time it is, how dirty it can be, how expensive. But when you visit you can concentrate on the fun things and visit friends.

We got back to Berlin late last night and saw that snow had fallen over the weekend and everything was covered in white. It’s sunny and melting today, though, and Xmas is predicted to be rainy, rather than white. Oh well. Another year perhaps.

PS Due to popular demand (well, one person), I’ll take some flat photos and upload them in the next few days.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Our new flat

...has no internet. >:( But it does have a TV. It also has big, sloping windows that the snow will fall on when it snows, which it hasn't lately.

It is Japanese-themed. This means that in the bedroom there is a tatami mat on the floor and the edges are surrounded by stones. Apparently stones are usually in Japanese gardens, not bedrooms, but never mind. There are two kimonos hanging from the walls, which people usually wear, not hang on walls, but never mind.

But the scariest part is the stone life-sized Japanese warrior who stands in the living room and stares at me when I sit on the couch. I'm getting used to him now, but I still get a small fright every time I walk in the room. I would like to hide him away, but he's very heavy and there's nowhere for him to go. Anyway, I've decided to use him as our Xmas tree and then maybe with presents under him he will seem more benign.

Our flat is up three flights of stairs, which tests my endurance. To get to it you turn off Oranienburger Strasse, one of Berlin's main streets, and go up the stairs in the courtyard. The courtyard is pretty cool. It's called the "Kunsthof" (art courtyard) and has lots of little shops and cafes. It's on the same block as the Synagogue, which I haven't been inside but it has a huge golden dome that sparkles when the sun comes out and has two security guards outside in green uniforms, who try not to freeze as they stand in the cold and direct tourists.

On Oranienburger Strasse are heaps of cafes, but they're all mainstream and pretty much the same. Some of the back streets are more interesting - lots of alternative art galleries. One has a white flag hanging out of each window, and every few seconds one automatically waves, as though the building is surrendering.

Tomorrow we're going to London to see Muse in concert. Months ago I used my internet prowess (= I clicked my mouse repeatedly) to get some pre-sale tickets and actually I think it sold out even that day. Muse is one of my favourite live bands, and although I can only take so much of their hystrionics on my iPod, they are stunning in concert. So I can't wait!

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Moving Day

We're moving today so I'll write a longer post tomorrow - maybe even as long as yesterday's post, which was almost as long as a Ramones song.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

The sun is shining!

Who cares if it's minus-something degrees? I'm going outside to sing and run through the mountains. Yes, I know Berlin is completely flat so I'll...run through the molehills.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

The Christmas Party

There were only six of us, all freelancers writing for the same publication, so the chances of me drinking too much and embarrassing myself were reduced (slightly).

We met at a bar that used to be a hair salon in the GDR days, a big glass box on a big, loud avenue called Karl Marx Allee, which used to be Stalin Allee when the Wall was still up. I got there first and the man at the door told me they weren't opening for another half hour, and no, I couldn't wait inside away from the -5 degree night because he "had cleaning to do".

Luckily the others showed up in minutes, and while we tried not to die of cold and discuss where to go, a woman approached us cautiously.

"Gu-ten A-bend," she ventured in a German accent.

"Guten Abend," we chorused, all from NZ, Australia, England and Scotland respectively.

She paused. "Bon-jour," she tried.

"Bonjour," we all said.

She paused, then rattled off in German that she was meeting a woman called Catherine. Since I was the only female there, and my name isn't Catherine, she was asking the wrong people.

She finished off in English. "Okay, thank you, and have a pleasant stay in Berlin!" She vanished. We all laughed. At 18 months, my time in Berlin was the shortest of the group and the longest was almost 40 years, hardly a "stay".

Anyway, it was a busy road and our bar options were limited. We settled on the only other option, a bar called Albert's and all that name entails, before heading back to the ex-hair salon, which was way cooler, as soon as it opened.

I had a great time. From drinking red wine for the first time since an unfortunate encounter a few months ago with the cheapest, shittiest red wine you can imagine (and the stoned barman didn't help matters by adding lemon slices and ice), to meeting some pretty damn impressive journalists who have worked for major UK newspapers, Time magazine and many others. Some of them had been here since before 1989 and had Stasi files kept on them and were asked to spy. Madness. And they had some amazing stories, such as being strip-searched at Checkpoint Charlie when a man and his young family were off on a day-trip to Muggelsee in the East (actually, he did have some illegal money in his socks and they found it).

Talk turned to tax, which sounds like a real heart-attack inducer here (I don't earn enough money in Germany to have to pay tax, thank god, which requires filling in forms yourself and most likely ending up with days' worth of nervous tics). There was also bitchy mention of a certain magazine, which some had written for for a paltry sum and is edited by people who don't speak English as a first language, making the articles often a bit baffling to read. Other than that we talked about the Queen, Australiasian politics, and what to do if you get bitten by a funnel-web spider and only have 45 minutes to live. I really enjoyed talking to them and it made it suddenly more real that I'm leaving soon and won't see them again.

I forgot what a charmed life I'm leading at the moment when 9pm came and they all rushed off because they had work in the morning. So I wandered back towards Alexanderplatz to catch the U-Bahn and grabbed the compulsory doner kebab.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Stubbed Out

I support the new law that's just been passed in NZ, which states that no one may smoke in bars. I used to smoke in bars sometimes, partly because the combination of alcohol and cigarettes is just too tempting, but also because I figured, well, I was breathing in all this smoke anyway, and went home feeling like I'd smoke a whole pack and stunk of it, so why not. It will be strange when I go back to see what a smokefree bar is actually like.

Apparently, and I hadn't considered this, but when you remove smoke from a bar all the other unpleasant odours make themselves known - sweaty men and farting, for example. Yuck!

We have caved in and decided to go to London for New Year. We'll be here for Xmas, but have more friends in London to celebrate with :) Everyone I know here is heading off somewhere too, so it would have been a bit quiet and I hear that people spend the night just randomly throwing around fireworks and burning each other, which doesn't sound that great.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Tickets booked

It's official - I'm leaving Berlin on January 13th and flying back to NZ. Not forever, but definitely for a while. My visa here still has a few more months validity, but the cold weather won't let up until April at least, and this perpetual darkness and greyness is not good for me actually doing stuff. Because I'm a freelancer I set my own work schedule, and although I am still working away I let myself sleep too long and muck around.

So I do feel sad to be leaving - there are so many things I'll miss and I don't think it will hit me until I go - but it feels like the right decision.

Also we move in a few days' time and our new flat (shock, horror) won't have either wireless or DSL so I won't be posting every day. What I'll probably do is write a bunch of stuff at home and then upload it from, erm, Starbucks, which has wireless. I'm not male so won't have to worry about my laptop reducing my fertility.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Film

My faith in humanity, which has been somewhat shaken lately with grumpy people barging into each other on the street to get out of the cold faster, was restored a bit today. A tram driver stopped after passing the stop I was trying to get to and let me in, just so I could get away from the -1 degree C day (at midday, the allegedly warmest time). Sometimes people simply do something nice. Maybe it has something to do with heightened Xmas goodwill. Or maybe he was simply feeling all warm inside from drinking the Glühwein which is everywhere at the moment.

A few posts ago I talked about outdoor ice-skating. If you like having a cold bum you can also go to Potsdamer Platz, the former No-Man's Land now filled with modern buildings, and go careening down a snowy slope on a rubber tyre surrounded by dance music. Actually it looked fun, but the slope was too short to get any real momentum going. Instead I ate a very lemony and sugary crepe and went to see The Incredibles, the new Pixar movie. It was showing at Cinemaxx, Berlin's biggest and most commercial cinema, but because I was seeing it in English the cinema was tiny. (I don't have anything against German movies, just dubbed ones, although I'll go and see a dubbed Spanish movie or something if it's the only way I can see it here).

The Incredibles was good, if formulaic and over-hyped. But I'm most looking forward to seeing Finding Neverland and Lemony Snicket's Blah Blah, which I'll have to see in London when I go there next week.

Friday, December 10, 2004

TV

I have become hopelessly addicted to an American show called Lost. I can watch it only by downloading it every Thursday and each episode passes all too quickly, raising more questions than it has answered. I think part of what is so appealing about it is the whole being-lost-on-an-island fantasy, with other people who all happen to be young and good-looking. Kate, for example, is surrounded by Jack, a handsome, clean-cut and good doctor (that Party of Five guy), and Sawyer, a handsome bad-boy, bedraggled and blonde. Which one does she like best? Or can she have both?
There's more than the show to this, though. Every episode a character has a flashback so you can see what they were like in the "real world" and what some of their secrets are. Very addictive.

Other than that I have to confess to: Desperate Housewives (which looks crap but has moments of comic genius), Scrubs, the Daily Show and The Apprentice.

Then there is German TV, which I don't get to see too much of, but it's pretty crap. Dubbed American reject programmes from the '80s, wooden dramas, terrible talk-shows that make Jerry Springer look thoughtful and authentic. They do have good wildlife documentaries though.

Their show Big Boss, which is Germany's answer to America's The Apprentice ("You're fired!"), even has the same music and formula. The characters are more human though, and much more air-time is dedicated to figuring out exactly why a team lost a task, rather than amping up the bitching sequences.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Juice and ice...but not together

The man at our local bottle store is quite a character, and damn if he doesn't know what he's doing. The first time I ever met him I was buying some orange juice and he proceeded to advise me carefully as though I were buying a car, about what was best value and healthiest in the long run, etc. Whenever I go there he tallies up my purchases like a professional salesman: "ONE bottle of sugar-free-and-very-healthy orange juice, TWO bottles of extremely-healthy-and-remember-to-shake-the-bottle-
before-you-open-it tomato juice, ONE bottle of-fine-red-wine-don't-drink-it-
all-at-once-you'll-regret-it-in-the-morning."

At Alexanderplatz they've set up an ice-skating rink outside, and tonight I watched enviously as all the kids skated effortlessly round, the black sky overhead, fake Xmas trees all around, the TV tower looking over them. I have ice-skated (in NZ, in the country's one indoor rink) twice in my life and spent more time on my ass than my feet, but maybe if I'd had a bit more practice...anyway, it's fun. Apparently here when the lakes freeze over in winter you can ice-skate on the surface, which must be amazing. I'd love to do that if there was a metal rail to hold onto ;) Although apparently every year some people fall through the ice and die, which wouldn't be fun at all.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Don't wave your stick at me, sir

Went to see a movie called Rhythm Is It today, it was actually a pretty good documentary about the conductor of the Berliner Philharmonie, Sir Simon Rattle, who takes on a project prepping some disadvantaged high school students for a performance. Along the way he talked about how passionate music makes him. I saw him conducting a few months ago and it would be fair to say he goes into his own universe when waving his stick about (oh, you know what I mean). Apparently his fluffy grey hair and wild mannerisms have earned him a few groupies, too. I didn't know there were groupies in the classical world, but when he's running on and off the stage for his first, second and third encore, then blowing kisses and accepting flowers, it's a sign there's a rock star in there somewhere. He just lacks that crowd-surfing spontaneity...

It looks like we'll have to move out of this flat a few days earlier, due to the landlord being a bit flaky. Oh well, we already have somewhere else to go - a flat in Oranienburgerstrasse in Mitte, furnished for short-term, some sort of inaccurate "Japanese concept" decor that had my Japanese friend in hysterics when I was explaining it to her (I'll describe it when we've moved).

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Would you like some English with that?

I was back in our local coffee shop (see the Final Solution post below) this morning. These coffee places seem to be springing up everywhere and have muffins, bagels, all the usual American stuff. English menu, too. It always feels a bit redundant to say, "Ein double latte to go, bitte". But they make damn good coffee...

But something was different today. Although the guys who work there pretty much always talk to us in English, they were talking to EACH OTHER in English, too. It makes me wonder sometimes why I bothered to learn German if English is taking over, but I find learning new languages fun - unless that language is Japanese. Impossible. Anyway, one guy was saying, "I might go to Bridget Jones tonight, if I can convince the other fags to go with me". (All the people who work there seem to be gay, or maybe they just have good taste in clothes.)

About the whole talking in English thing. Sometimes my boyfriend will attempt some German and get a reply in English. I don't think he really cares, but I get annoyed when it happens to me. It makes me feel like my German is too crap to bother responding to, although they probably don't mean it that way. But if I don't speak German to Germans, where can I speak it?

Yesterday I went with a friend to the Pergamon museum, one of Berlin's most famous museums on Museum Island in town. I hadn't been there for five years and had forgotten how amazing it was. It doesn't just have a few old broken bits of ancient Greek vases (although I'm a bit of a geek and love ancient Greek stuff), it has entire gateways and alters from Greece and modern-day Turkey and Iraq.

On the one hand, I question the morals behind nabbing other countries' relics and carting them home, but on the other hand it's educating people, so...

As we went outside the sun was setting (yes, at 4pm). The sun had shown itself for a few minutes, for the first time in weeks, and the sunset was a deep pink. Sadly, I didn't have my camera and my friend's pxt phone was crap, but it was really beautiful, take my word for it ;)

Saturday, December 04, 2004

From beer and culture to sushi and sexy

Tonight I had a wander through the Kulturbrauerei, which is round the corner. The building is made of brick and occupies a whole block. It used to be a brewery (and its basement was a torture chamber at some point too) but is now filled with cinemas, theatres and clubs. There's a huge courtyard in the middle which is currently occupied by, you guessed it, a Xmas market. It also had one of those harness trampoline things for kids where they get strapped in and jump really high. You could see anxious parents' heads bobbing up and down just to make sure their darlings weren't propelled into the stratosphere.

Because it's winter now, all of the many little kids in the area are wrapped up so much that it's kind of hard to tell if there's a real kid inside all those layers.

We went to a nearby Indian restaurant for dinner. Since I last lived here five years ago there's a lot more international food available in Berlin, even if it's not always authentic enough for people who are fussier than me. Sushi, for example, is everywhere now and it used to be hard to find. It's still expensive though. And I miss that whole sitting on a beach in New Zealand eating fresh fish and chips thing. Or as we call it, fush and chups. A very handsome Spanish man once told me that my New Zealand accent was the sexiest accent in the world and I still cling to that, even if it was a line.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Reading for pleasure

I did something this Friday afternoon I hadn't done for ages - went into a bookshop and just hung out for awhile flicking through books. I could spend all day doing that. And I bought my first English book in ages called The Da Vinci Code, which I've heard a lot about including that it's going to be made into a movie starring Tom Hanks (of course). I've read a lot of German books over the last few months, which helped my German and was interesting, but there's nothing like curling up with a book in your native language and just switching off the outside world.

Speaking of which, today has been the trillionth hazy day in a row, with a high of 5 degrees C and pitch black as I look outside now at 16:10. Although Mystery Man across the road, whom I've mentioned in a previous post, has strung up some fairy lights and stuck some Santa candles in the window. Aaahh.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Please don't hurt my coffee

Boyfriend walks into his regular coffee shop to get coffee

Boyfriend: Ich hätte gern... (I'd like...)

Coffeeshop Guy (Interrupting in English): Sure, a big latte to go. Hey, do you use our coffee cards?

B: Yeah, but they're at home and I always forget to bring them.

CG: Okay, just bring them all in one day and we'll organise some kind of Final Solution...

Final Solution?? Obviously a translation gone awry, but these are two words that should not be bandied about in Germany!

Phoning Home

Just made a call back to NZ to a friend. Times have changed, in that it doesn’t cost the earth to call NZ from Germany anymore, but that reliable crackling and delay is still there. The worst is when there’s feedback and you can hear your own voice in your ear. Painful!
There is also the time difference to grapple with, although it’s 12 hours at the moment so not too hard for my numerically-challenged brain to handle. Sometimes people call us at 2am, forgetting there’s even such a thing as a time difference.
I can’t imagine living overseas before the internet, when letters would take months to travel back and forth, often via unnecessary places such as Uganda before they made it. Before the aeroplane is also unthinkable – when people would travel by ship, like their mail. Although my boyfriend’s parents met on a ship heading overseas, so maybe it wasn’t all bad...